Resource Articles

Helping Your Children Through Divorce

Three simple reminders to put your children first

A divorce rattles the foundations of every woman's sense of stability. Well-laid plans that just yesterday made perfect sense no longer make any sense at all. And to top it all off, those kids! Children have a talent, it would seem, for acting up and giving you added stress — just at the moment you need them to be mature, helpful and their "best selves."

As a mother it's your nature to respect your child's perspective; this is the most powerful emotion on earth. But when you're anxious, stressed and demoralized, this innate capacity is temporarily weakened. The tendency to be irritable, cross, impatient, scornful or demanding with the child is very strong. Giving in to this temptation at moments of pain is only human

So how can you deal with your child at these classic moments? Realize that the very fact that she is acting up is a strong sign that your child's is not feeling understood. Count to 10. Splash cool water on your face or scream into a pillow during these times. Then put the divorce and all of its ramifications into the background. And tell yourself: "MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY CHILD TAKES CENTER STAGE."

How To Ask Your Ex For More Money

I know, I know—you're already saying, "My ex will never give me more. He is broke, he is cheap, and I never see him." But this approach is worth a try, and you have nothing to lose.

The Bible has an interesting passage that basically states, "Where your MONEY goes, your HEART will follow". Isn't that weird? I thought it would be, "Where your heart is, your money will follow". In other words, I always thought people will spend money on the people and things they love...but it is the exact opposite: You fall in love with the things you spend money on!!! Maybe because you are forced to search for the value in it...

Death And Divorce

Recently I’ve had death on my mind. Thanks to one of our fellow bloggers here and her post about The Fantasy of an Untimely Death. After reading the post, I had to wonder what would the author’s life be like if her marriage had ended with her husband’s death instead of divorce. She suffered the loss of her spouse and marriage, but society’s attitude toward a woman who loses everything due to divorce is far different from a woman who loses a spouse to death.

Most of my clients are women whose husbands have left them for a younger woman or a better life. Just as a woman who loses a spouse to death, my clients had no control over the loss of their husbands and the lives they had built as a couple. Yet, society has granted the widow all the dignity of her position. There are funeral rituals, she can claim all her husband’s assets and is showered with sympathy and concern for her loss.

Will a Bank Lend You Money to Buy a Home Post-Divorce?

Often times in the case of a separation or divorce, one of the main topics of discussion will be what are we going to do with the house, and where will I live after? Will you buy a new home or rent? As a mortgage lender we often see people putting the cart before the horse. This means looking for a new home or selling the old one before determining what you can borrow to buy the next home.  It is important to get your ducks in a row with your finances. That includes researching your borrowing ability so you can determine if buying a new home or refinancing the current home is feasible and in your best interest.

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex's New Wife?

Many people ask me if it is a good idea — or even possible — to become friends with their ex-husband's new wife. This can be great if it happens, but basically I think it's a stretch!

We choose our friends, not our relatives, and in a sense your ex's new wife is a step-relative. While there is nothing wrong with being friends, it's pretty unusual. Friends are people who have dinner together, share thoughts and feelings, and have a strong comfort level with one another. Since she is married to the person who you used to be intimate with and then divorced — which is not friendly — sharing thoughts and feelings seems pretty unlikely!

When Being Too Motherly Can Land You in Jail

I once read an article in the Sunday Times that ruined my otherwise very pleasant day.

The piece by concerned a mother who was being imprisoned because of her “over indulgent” behaviour towards her three children following the breakdown of her marriage.

The unnamed woman had, according to reports by social workers, encouraged her children to make “serious allegations” about her former husband that transpired to be false. The judge remarked that she had “serious concern about [the mother] infantilising the children…and encouraging them to want to take an inappropriate part in these proceedings.”

Banned from seeing her children for three years, it appears that the mother is also facing a second jail term for posting a video of her plight on YouTube.

The articles I read were the first I had heard of this case; therefore my opinions are based solely upon the facts as they are laid out in the newspaper.

Your Happiness is Your Responsibility

We can choose how we handle divorce

It is an easy concept, but some have a hard time coming to terms with it. It is pretty basic — when we find ourselves in a bad place, the quickest way to change our situation is to look at our actions and what role our actions played in bringing about our problems.

Your life is your responsibility. You have no control over what happens to you or what someone else does to you, but you do have control over the way you respond. When faced with the end of a marriage, you have a choice. You can get bogged down in blame and bitterness, or you can take an honest inventory of your own shortcomings and mistakes during the marriage.

You can choose to be angry with a husband who leaves you for another woman, or you can look at what kind of wife you were. Let's face it, we are none perfect. You aren't responsible for your husband's choice to leave, but you may have played a role in his feeling he had no choice but to leave. It truly does take two to destroy a marriage. A happy husband doesn't leave for another woman. Before you get all red in the face and spew venom at me, let me qualify what I'm saying.

Divorce is an Emotional Rollercoaster, But Are You Paranoid?

How healthy is divorce litigation for everyone involved: clients, their families, the lawyers and others? How healthy is it for anyone involved in these cases?

Paranoia is a profound distrust or suspicion of others, which goes hand-in-hand with the belief that one is being persecuted. In divorce, these feelings can have some basis in reality. There may indeed be someone out to get you. Usually, it is the person to whom you had hitherto been closest: your spouse.

Unfortunately, divorce causes some people to become irrational or even delusional. Their perceived “persecutor” is nothing of the sort and may actually be a spouse who wants nothing more than to move on with his or her life.

The painting above is called “Paranoia”. What are the figures in the painting staring at and so worried by? There is no-one visible outside, so what or who do they think may be coming in through the door? Are they right to be worried or are they paranoid?

A Four-Step Plan To Healing After Divorce

Going from bitter to better post divorce

Your marriage was not a mistake. It was a collection of gifts and lessons. You can stay stuck in bitterness. But imagine the possibilities when you look at the end of your marriage as an open door, rather than a void.

What you need is a divorce agreement — not for you and your ex — for yourself. It doesn't replace your original decree; it's a healing tool to end your relationship on an emotional level. The good news is you don't need lawyers. And you can make it binding just by making the decision to become a stronger woman, not in spite of, but because of your divorce.

Here's how it works:

1. Make a list of all the ways you grew or benefited from the marriage and relationship.