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by Amanda Lockhart on Fri, 12/09/2011 - 8:23am
I’m sure I don’t have to tell anyone who’s been within a country mile of a divorce that the holiday season can be especially difficult. Regardless of where you are in your life, being at one gathering after another full of family and friends after your marriage has broken up is a strain on your emotions. It’s tough enough trying to navigate yourself through that minefield, but if you’ve got kids it’s an even greater challenge.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Tue, 11/22/2011 - 9:29am
With the increasing emphasis on mediation and collaborative divorces, perhaps it stands to reason that some of those ideas are taking hold in areas of post-divorce life, like navigating the holidays.
I read an article about a woman who co-wrote a book on this subject. You'll never guess who the other co-writer was — her husband's ex wife! It's actually a nice niche for divorce information that tends to get ignored. We get hung up so much in the legal process, dividing up assets and figuring out visitation schedules that it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that kids get pulled in a lot of different directions during holidays. And that's not good.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Fri, 11/11/2011 - 8:14am
Most of the time when you think about the way a divorce impacts kids, you think about young children who aren't emotionally mature enough to deal with what's happening. Well, it's not just younger kids who have that problem. College students whose parents get divorced may be able to handle things on the surface. But it's a strain on their emotions nonetheless.
I read a piece in the student newspaper from California State University-Chico that really shed some light on the subject. And it's a poignant subject for this time of year as college students get ready to come home for the holidays. A lot of them have two homes to go to. Balancing time with both parents can be a struggle, particularly if the divorce happened while the student was away at school.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Thu, 11/03/2011 - 7:45am
I stumbled across a column in a small Georgia newspaper written by the president of the Georgia Family Council. Not surprisingly, he was advocating the benefits of sticking it out through the bad parts of a marriage and not getting divorced.
I always cringe when I hear about organizations like this. They have an agenda — usually a conservative political agenda that is religiously motivated — that I don’t care for. And you can start to get that vibe when you read the writer’s "strengthen the family" message. But rather than simply being critical on socio-political grounds, I think it’s wise to read what he has to say and then see if you agree or disagree with it on a point-by-point basis.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Tue, 11/01/2011 - 8:36am
How many times have you heard the tired cliché: "Divorce is always hardest on children." Hell, I'm embarrassed to say I think I've actually written that phrase on this site. Well, it turns out that it may be a little bit easier on the kids than we all think.
A new study done by Canada's University of Alberta suggests that divorce doesn't adversely impact parenting behavior. The conventional wisdom, of course, is that as you go through the strains of a divorce, it takes a toll on you, and in turn, you invariably make life more difficult for your kids. But researchers in Canada didn't find evidence of that. They say parenting practices of divorcing people remained consistent and weren't all that different from parents who weren't going through a divorce.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Tue, 10/25/2011 - 8:17am
I read a rather stirring column in Canada's National Post the other day about the difficulty many Canadian men face in their nation's legal system when it comes to child custody cases. Ironically, the piece was written by a woman, but she boldly and rather forcefully makes the point that men frequently get the short end of the stick in these cases.
She says there are statistics that back up her claim that there is a gender bias in the way the courts handle these situations, though she never cites the numbers. Still, her argument has merit on a number of levels. First and foremost, if a man is an attentive father to his children, nobody should keep him from them — especially not a court system.
Beyond that, I think the writer raises a valid concern about men being labeled as bad fathers simply because the courts more frequently award custody to mothers. Obviously, there are some guys who fit into that category, but it would be easy to paint a lot of men with that brush, and it's not fair.
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by Naomi Dunne on Wed, 10/19/2011 - 9:09am
My parents divorced when I was four months old. There were custody battles. There were children's advocates. There was a custody trial — complete with swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth — in which I was asked to choose at the age of 10 which parent I should live with.
There were three cloak-and-dagger plane rides with a non-custodial parent trying to "take me back." There were emergency passports issued to get me out of the country. According to my mother, I was kidnapped by my father. According to my father, it happened the other way around.
We call this acting in the best interests of the child?
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by Amanda Lockhart on Tue, 10/18/2011 - 8:26am
I love a thought-provoking argument on a subject where my mind already was made up. It's good to question your premises and convictions every once in a while, just to make sure you believe what you believe — or to see where you might be changing your mind.
The thing that got me thinking about that whole idea was a piece I read about pre-marital cohabitation. Now, before I go any further, I think it's worth pointing out that the column was written by a Father Raymond something-or-other, so right away it's coming from a religious point of view, which is something I don't particularly care for.
But it made a fairly common-sense argument, backed up by some statistics: Couples who live together before they get married are more likely to divorce than couples who don't. Therefore, the writer argues, it's a good idea to really question whether you should live with someone first.
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by Rachel Small on Wed, 07/27/2011 - 7:53am
At a time when divorce rates are falling, it turns out that people over 60 are divorcing at an alarming rate. What are some of the reasons for dumping a spouse after 40 or 50 years?
In a study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) people aged 40-79, it was found that 66 percent of the women instigated divorce actions. Some said they could no longer endure drug or alcohol addiction. Others divorced because of physical and emotional abuse or for infidelity.
Researchers claim retirement is a strain on marriage, just as the empty nest may start the process of thinking about divorce. In Japan, women called retired husbands a nuisance. Some women can't stand their spouse home all day. In the U.K., gray divorce is becoming an epidemic. In Italy, married couples 55 and over seeking legal separation rose by three and a half percent, and those filing for divorce grew by three percent from 2000-2004.
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by Amanda Lockhart on Tue, 07/05/2011 - 9:42am
I read a report recently that really sort of disturbed me, even though it was about a trend that a lot of people think is a positive thing.
The story is about “friendly ex-laws.” Apparently there are a lot of divorced people who maintain friendships with their ex’s parents. I suppose every situation is different, and admittedly there is something to be said for having everyone maintain their maturity and civility after a divorce. But my gut reaction is to wonder how anyone could really be comfortable with this.
Even if your divorce was amicable there’s still an inherently negative vibe that permeates everything and every relationship that was associated with the marriage. I don’t see how anyone can compartmentalize their relationships like this.
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